The RNLI in association with Betfair and Wonga

When you're out in the middle of nowhere and all you can see is sea you can't help but start thinking 'what if?' and imagining Seadog Brian being hoisted up to safety by a rescue helicopter winchman as Nb Harry disappeared under the waves.
And then we got to thinking another what if: what if – like the NHS and schools and prisons – the RNLI was privatised?
"The engine has just blown up, the stern gland has failed and we're shipping water! I think we're sinking, dear. Call the RNLI!"
"This is the RNLI in association with Betfair and Wonga. We value your call which may be recorded for training purposes. If you wish to make a donation, press 1, if you would like to visit a lifeboat station press 2, if you would like to work for us, press 3, if you would like information about our associated companies press 4, if you wish to renew your membership press 6, if you have an emergency press 7 and listen to the options.
"Emergency call-outs are to members only. If you wish to join our gold membership, including helicopter rescue, press 1, our silver membership for coastal waters by lifeboat only press 2, our bronze level, for rivers only, press 3 but please note this service is only 9-5 Monday to Friday. If you wish to be rescued at a weekend you will need to call our duty rescue service provided by our partners A Toss.

"All our operators are busy, please hold on."
"They are playing bloody 'For those in peril on the sea' now!' Answer the blasted phone!
"Hallo this is Tracey speaking, how may I help you today?"
"We bloody sinking; we need rescuing - now"
"I'm sorry, sir, please do not swear at me or I shall have to cut you off."
"Sorry - we are sinking. Water is up to my knees.
"Are you a member?"
"No"
"In that case I will need your credit card number."
"Here you are."
"Gold cover will be £750.50 sir. That's with the ten per cent discount I can offer you today.There is an extra five per cent if you take out a mayday loan from our partners Wonga.
"Bloody hell!"
"Please watch the language sir. That's per person of course."
"And we have a dog."
"Pets are covered by our partner service. You will need to call them separately"
"Water is up to my thighs now"
"I will be sending our Team Shell in association in association with Britcopters and Natwest Banking helicopter just as soon as we have cleared your payment.
"Meanwhile I would just like to tell you that our partners Wonga are offering you special odds of 5-1 that you will be rescued before sinking.
"Sir? Sir? Sir? Are you still there?
Ah well, next caller then.